i’ve been meaning to write something here for a few days, but the things I want to write about seem too large to try to break apart piece by piece on this page. be warned: i’m feeling a little cranky the last two days. Maybe a summary would work:
1) i had to go to the hospital last week. my first visit to one since my mother died and it was a totally overwhelming experience. with one whiff of the decay-laden air, i was transformed back into the renee zellweger/anna quinlan character from ‘one true thing’ and remembered a watercolor i did for my mother when she was dying the first time. it was of the earth from space, seen in context with the galaxy and i wrote a line from tears for fears’ ‘break it down again’ at the top: “They never mention all the beauty in decay.” oh, the teen years! the nurses didn’t want me to put that up in her room, but i did anyway. i can be so cold sometimes. being in the hospital made me painfully aware of the grief that is behind this wall. it’s like being on the dry side of dam and seeing the little crack start to form, knowing the velocity and weight of it will simultaneously crush me and sweep me away to some other place emotionally. ugh. the last time i saw my mother, she was crazy. she didn’t know who i was, but kept talking about the truck that was coming to get her. it came to get her that night while i was watching a play with my then-boyfriend. double-ugh. i have to go back tomorrow for more tests.
2) people are acting weird lately, and I am both attracted and repelled by them. one person said, ‘i have something funny to tell you.’ his idea of funny is not my idea of funny, let’s just say that. freaking HiLAReeeeous. it was something about someone seeing something i did and how someone wanted to cite me, or possibly fine me for it. so not funny, to me at least. nothing will come of my minor infraction, it was an honest to goodness accident, but for someone to call me out and say that they think it’s funny, well it makes me question my judgement of the people in my life just a wee bit. i think it’s ‘funny’ that i actually went out of my way to purchase items to construct a care package for this person this week because they’re under a lot of stress at work. questionable, questionable. or am i just too sensitive?
3) Is there a way to give to others that also replenishes your inner reserves. when i was a practicing bodyworker, if i gave a massage the correct way, with impeccable body mechanics, I felt as rejuevenated as my client. i am looking for a way to give to the world around me and my rolodex without feeling drained and cranky. any advice? or as bk would say, “what do you suggest?”
4) do you ever have a list of 12 people to call back and then the people call you back before you can call them back to make sure you’re ok because you haven’t called them back and you then have double the pressure to talk at a time when you have nothing really of merit to say? I think I’m on overwhelm.
5) I once had a friend named J. Moody. She was a mother of several young children, came from money, and was both over- and underwhelmed by her life. She pulled me aside one day in her kitchen and said, “you’re like my family. you’re like my brother. can we be honorary brother and sister? if you ever need anything, i’ll always be here for you” later: “can i throw you a birthday party?” RL would come to town from London and we’d play guitar and sing to her in her study. Then she had a little nervous breakdown, called me from a train bound for a facility in Arizona. She wrote me exactly one letter. I never heard from her again even though she came back to town a year later. That was 1995. I sometimes think about her and how the most generous, well-intentioned people can break in two suddenly.
entries like this always sound more depressed than i really am. i’m not really depressed all that much. i promise! it is just the random contents of my mind, like link and random coins from other countries in the bottom of your change purse.
