this was not a chance meeting, feel my heart beating, you’re the one

OK, I’m finally in the home stretch of this Top 10 Experiences of 2005 list. I guess it’s the nature of top 10 lists, but I definitely saved the best for last. Since last Dec., I’ve been counting down to my favorite experience of last year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…For easy access to the whole list, click the Top 10 tag at the bottom of this entry.

#2 :: the end of cynicism

So a funny thing happened on my way to my 30s. Without even noticing it, I started becoming cynical about love.

I don’t even know how it happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen, and I didn’t even notice it until…… I met someone who made me feel decidedly UNcynical. I found myself wanting to pick up the check, plan surprises, open the door, look cute. I also found myself feeling waves of jealousy and insecurity. (Despite a decade of relationships, I didn’t have much experience with those two emotions.) He — ahem — makes me want to be a better Lucas I found myself wanting to spend time with him, travel with him and do and be all those stupid things you see in the movies or read about in cheesy novels.

I actually think it’s pretty normal, though.

He makes me wish I’d not titled my CD "Forever’s Not As Long As It Used To Be." And while, I definitely wouldn’t say I was a ‘taker’ in love before, I feel more inspired to share now. Now, I think a bit more about "we" instead of "me." Maybe I’m just growing up? Sometimes, to continue with the clichés, I think I had to get strong enough in myself to actually let my guard down a little.

It’s bizarre, and unexpected, and it’s definitely had an likable shift on my songwriting — and, along with releasing my first CD, it’s certainly the most important and best thing that I experienced in 2005. It changed me, and rocked the way I think about my life and the way I interact with friends and the way I spend my time. But at the same time, it absolutely feels like part of my evolution as a human being.

Cynics, lay down your arms…and join the revolution! (Happy late Valentine’s Day, peeps!)

outside in the hall, there’s a catfight

One of my top 10 lists will be my TOP 10 EXPERIENCES of 2005. I’ll roll these out every so often, counting down to my favorite experience of last year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…

#3 :: birth-days and bye-byes

Ever since I was 24 years old, I’ve thrown myself a party each year to celebrate my birthday. No presents required, just a night to be surrounded by my nearest and dearest. After my 30th, I took a few years off and tried to keep things as quiet as possible. I love the idea of birthdays though. I love celebrating someone’s arrival on planet earth and the chain of events their presence set off. I take it pretty seriously.

In 2005, I decided to go home to New Orleans to celebrate the release of my CD with a little show that my friend Rene helped me set up. The only time that would work was the the week of my birthday. It was a great concert and I saw people I hadn’t seen since leaving for Atlanta five years earlier. I got to meet A’s awesome new BF Shane. My friend Juli was there; when I last saw her she was battling cancer in her leg/bone marrow and I didn’t know if I’d see her again. Folks drove in from all over for the show — Lafayette, Houston, Baton Rouge. Then, out popped Glen, who had flown in from NYC to be there.

I was getting all emotional at the love and support coming my way. But then, as I was playing the last song, Maryam brought out a big cake full of candles with my name on it and then these presents came out of nowhere and it started to dawn on me that my friends were throwing me a little birthday party!

I really felt loved that night, and it was definitely one of my favorite experiences of the year. It’s hard to surprise me, but they really pulled it off! I had to practice receiving all the love and support from everyone, but it was beyond cool — and even cooler, thanks to the IceSpot Amy gave me!! Miguel, Scott, Amy, Denise, Richard, Arman, Mike, Barry, Jenny, Glen, Chris, Rose, Casey, Maryam, Tom, Marla, Dee — it was as if all my Louisiana universes collided in that one night.

Then there was Steve, who drove us out to the French Quarter that night. He died a few weeks later, quite suddenly. Over the 13 years I knew him, we were never really close friends but ran in the same circle. That night, as usual with Steve and the crew, we shared drinks, catty comments, and more than a few laughs and I guess that’s the point, right? Being with friends, feeling loved, enjoying and appreciating the time with the people you love while you have it. Don’t miss a second.

i’m tired of all the people i’m seeing through

One of my top 10 lists will be my TOP 10 EXPERIENCES of 2005. I’ll roll these out every so often, counting down to my favorite experience of last year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…

#4 :: growth comes in stages

I’d done a fair share of performing around Atlanta before I put out my CD in Mar. 2005, but it’s surprising how much work you can get if you print up some tunes on a little piece of plastic!

I did a scad of shows through the summer, and even showcased at The Atlantis Music Conference, which was cool. In addition to three solo weekend night slots at Eddie’s Attic, and another there in Dec. opening for the Drexlers, I did my thing in Piedmont Park at Atlanta Gay Pride, and a fun night at 10 High in Virginia Highlands. This was on top of numerous fundraisers, parties, etc., etc. I basically told myself that I would play almost anything that was offered to me, so I said "Yes!" a lot. (I’ve also ended up in some pretty humiliatingly bad performing situations. If you were there, you know what I’m talking about!)

I think the only thing I turned down was a gallery opening, when I was out of town.

I ended up learning a HUGE amount about myself — being true to myself, and not giving myself away for some applause, just so someone will like me or buy my CD. All my life I’ve struggled with healthy boundaries, wanting to be everyone’s best friend, and learning how to hold onto myself while letting someone in.

I haven’t done those things well over the years but at least I’ve shown tenacity. In 2005, on stage (and some off , I’ve gotten some really good practice at loving myself as the crud comes up. I learned I’m brave and strong and believe in myself even if someone doesn’t "get" me. For me, that’s a good thing to remember about aught-five.

i wish they all could be california girls

One of my top 10 lists will be my TOP 10 EXPERIENCES of 2005. I’ll roll these out every so often, counting down to my favorite experience of last year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…

#5 :: on a night in june

As a late birthday present, my pal Randi took me to see The Gypsy Kings in concert at Chastain. She brought delicious leftovers from a party she’d had the day before, and I brought a bottle of wine. We had great conversation on the way to the show, enjoying walking and talking as we settled in for an amazing summer night. The concert itself was stellar, but being out under a canopy of stars while laughing and dancing the evening away was so much fun.

It was just two people getting to know each other and having a great time doing it, but when i think about the last 365 days, it keeps coming up, so here it is.

if i get drunk and stupid and say something foolish i still don’t think i’ll ever shake this thing

One of my top 10 lists will be my TOP 10 EXPERIENCES of 2005. I’ll roll these out every so often throughout the end of the year, counting down to my favorite experience of the year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…

#6 :: Song Shifts

Thanks to a boss and mother figure I had for 7.5 years when I was young and impressionable, I have a difficult time talking about my art without feeling like I’m coming off like an ego-maniac. (It was  nearly a decade into my professional writing career before, thanks to Julia Cameron, I could call myself a writer.) However, there is something intrinsicly egotistical about having a blog in the first place, and so here I am, blogging about my thoughts on my navel-gazing style of songwriting.  It’s like a mirror inside a mirror. Eh, I give that woman too much power.

Anyway, you’re hear to read about my navel-gazing, so here we go:

One thing I want to remember about 2005 was that my songs started to change. They are more gauzy and open-ended and looser and more confident and risk-taking. I like the change! It’s been fun to watch my art evolve. I felt more exhileration and excitement and joy after writing "London" than I can ever remember.  I hadn’t felt that proud feeling in many songs.

Additionally, I think that I’ve been writing some borderline optimistic songs, where before, though I never found my tunes depressing, some reported they felt like "little black holes to nowhere." (Thanks for sharing!) And, originally, being a fan of such artists as The Red House Painters and Lori Carson, I tended to take grey and black to new depths.

Now, I just notice that the songs are lighter, and aren’t always about me, and have at least a tinge of hope creaping up through the cracks. I think my creations will always have a melodramatic tinge of melancholy, but these days there’s a lot more light — and it feels nice.

NOTE: As the end of the year closes in, I’d thank all my dedicated "first run" listeners for their feedback, support, and encouragement these last 12 months: Michelle, AW, and Bradley. You guys hear my babies first and I appreciate your ears and love.

you write a little note that you leave on the bed and spend some time dissecting every word he said

I didn’t keep a running list of my favorite movies this year but when I brainstormed my top 10 favorite films of the year, these were top of mind. I suspect "Match Point" would be in the top 5 of this list, but I doubt I’ll see it until 2006. P.S. "Capote" left me cold.

In order:

10. Melinda and Melinda // Mysterious and funny, Woody Allen tries something new. That said, we all feel like we’ve been here before, though it’s fun to see these performances by Chloe Sevigny, Jonny Lee Miller, and Amanda Peet.

9. The End of Violence // Mario Bello’s greasy hair is fun to watch, as are the hyper-real scenes of sex and violence.

8. Brokeback Mountain // I didn’t buy Jake as he aged, and Anne Hathaway was not good at playing a grown-up, but my heart broke for Michelle Williams. She’s one of those actresses that kills you with just a facial expression. I only know her film work, but my culture vulture BF reports that she was also on a little show called "Dawson’s Creek." Who knew? For her best work, check out "Me Without You" on DVD.

7. Batman Begins // Is there anything Christian Bale can’t pull off?

6. Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic // Saw this two days in a row and am still thinking about it on a daily basis. How many stand-up routines make you do that?

5. Crash // Saw this three times in the theater, expecting to like it less each time I did. Instead, I found that it resonated more and seemed more powerful with each viewing. I think Sandy Bullock should get a Best Supporting Actress nomination for her five minutes of screen time. (If Kidman could nab Best Actress for 15 minutes of screen time for "The Hours," it seems possible, right?) Each scene she’s in crackles with an anger I didn’t think she could convey.  Speaking of anger…

4. Upside of Anger // I love slow-moving ensembles like this…full of smart writing, hot performances and a neat twist. If Joan Allen doesn’t win Best Actress for her work here, there’s no justice.

3. Heights // Glen Close proves that she’s a chameleon in this short inter-locking tale of a day in the life of some Manhattanites. Great lines, real characters, and sharp turns. Films adapted from stage plays are a tough sell, which makes "Heights" an even taller triumph.

Coincidentally, the next film on my list is provides more "proof" that stage works can effectively translate to the screen. ("Rent," notwithstanding.)

2. Proof // Emotionally, this film shattered me more than any other on the list and until a few weeks ago, I thought it would be my number one film of the year. I saw this movie three times in one week during a "blackout period" with a guy I was dating. Maybe a case of "right movie, right time" but it seemed to be asking me, "How can you trust someone (or a situation) if you have no proof that they are trustworthy? Can you become or create something different than your family even if you have no proof that it’s possible? If you look me in the eye and ask me a question and I answer it, is that enough proof for you? HOW DO YOU TRUST WITHOUT PROOF?" The casting was stunningly on target. Jake and Gwenyth had the perfect chemistry, Hope Davis finally plays the pretty girl, and only Anthony Hopkins could have been believable as the larger-than-life dad whose death after a long mental illness sets the story in motion.

1. King Kong // Perhaps I enjoyed this movie so much because my expectations were so low. I didn’t think I would care one iota. The fact that I did, and that my eyes rarely left the screen for over three hours, and I didn’t even pee once, earns this film the top slot on  my list. It was an absolutely exhilerating moviegoing experience that made me think — for the first time in I don’t know when — only $8???

suddenly i’ve become a part of the past

I love to troll around on blogs when I have free time and my blog roll is deep. But when time was tight in 2005, these were the 10 that I kept coming back to when I had a spare moment. In no particular order:

1. The Style Diary:: When I need a pick-me-up, I dial up this URL.

2. Taking Stock of Everything :: A peek inside a fellow gay singer-songwriter’s experience.

3. Dispatches from Tanganyika :: I spent exactly one hour in the company of Poppy Z. Brite back in 2000. I’d interviewed her pal C. Bard Cole after he did a reading with Brian Pera at the Faubourg Marigny Bookstore and she hung around to chat. Nothing close to what I expected (in a good way!) and her kindness was never forgotten. Reading her ordeal after Katrina this year was harrowing and essential.

4. XO’s Middle Eight :: A late year surprise by a musical soulmate.

5. TrayB :: Keeping up with one of my buds since he left the ATL has never been easier…or more fun. Who needs to talk on the phone?

6. Thoughts from the Post Scriptum :: Sensitive tales from the life of a 23-year-old Canadian gay academic. Who could resist?

7. And I Am Somebody :: This blog had me at "Hello, I’m a 20-something gay alcoholic."

8. The Gracious Bowl :: Mags and Ade, two chicks in our nation’s capital, hone in on the ultimate in soothing: Soup. I’m pulling up a spoon.

9. Womenfolk :: Always find something fun and new here. Maybe one day soon she’ll spotlight Gemma Hayes.

10. Scott Heim’s noise :: Gay author who like good music, loves his boyfriend, and keeps it real. We traded emails in the 90s, and he was always super nice, even before they made one of his books ("Mysterious Skin") into one of the year’s best films.

seasons wait for you not

One of my top 10 lists will be my TOP 10 EXPERIENCES of 2005. I’ll roll these out every so often throughout the end of the year, counting down to my favorite experience of the year. These are the moments that stick out when I glance back over my calendar…

#7 :: The Ebb & Flow of Friendship

I’ve thought a lot about friendship this year and re-evaluated a lot of my relationships. Does it feed me on any level? What do I get out of it? What do I bring to it? Is it working or just floating along on residual energy for years? Is it fun? I firmly, FIRMLY, believe that people are the stuff of life. It’s all about relationships, but when you start to drift away from someone, how do you know when to just let it drift? I used to hold on for dear life, but now I just tend to let them drift………………

I made this post a year ago and, despite a few notable exceptions , it still largely captures the way I feel:

the more i am away from the things i love, the more i realize i don’t need them. i miss my guitar tonight, feel like it has something to say to me, but it is not here. five minutes pass and i realize that it’s ok. i’d probably just play the same old songs over and over again. i’ve been stuck on two lately: arrow by mae moore and is this it? by john flor sisante….i could just play them for hours… it’s weird though how songs have their life. next week i probably won’t even think of those songs when i sit down to play. last month it was edie carey’s under a sky. over the summer it was why must i by til tuesday.

i talked to frances on the phone tonight for the first time since about january. she asked me to give her away at her wedding next year. weird, how we used to talk every day on the phone and i’d spend every thanksgiving with her and her family. the older i get, the longer i live, the more i realize i don’t need anything. i don’t mean that in a hard way, but i don’t need anyone in any certain form doing any certain thing for any period of time. i sometimes feel like i do with every fiber of my being, but i don’t. i really don’t.

In short, I’m changing, evolving the way I do my life and the way I show up for it. I might appear to be less happy to others, or less available, or less open to their advice and opinions. The truth is, I don’t want your advice or opinion unless I ask for it.

I’m angry more, I feel pettier sometimes, I notice a stronger tendency to complain, but I think my evolving connection to the friends in my life mirrors the ways in which I yearn to feel a wider range of feelings as I move through my day-to-day life. It just feels more honest. Uncomfortable, too, sometimes, but worth it to feel more complete and true to myself.

I don’t want to be boxed into being a certain way that I know I’ve trained people to expect from me. I want to be me, and the other people to be them, and the rest is gravy.

he is everything i need that i never knew i wanted, he is everything i want that i never knew i needed

Here’s my list of my favorite CDs of the year, impossibly ranked down to my favorite record of 2005.

20. Shout Out Louds // Howl Howl Gaff Gaff >> Heard "The Comeback" while shopping in Express Men and immediately fell in love with this excellent indie-rock effort.

19. Martha Wainwright // Martha Wainwright >> Ms. Wainwright steps out of her family’s shadow with this subtle collection of folk gems. "Bloody Motherf*cking Asshole," "Factory," and "These Flowers" (also featured in one of my favorite films of the year, "P.S.") are strong enough to make this a Top 20 disc for me, but when you add in the emotional wallop of "T.V. Show," I’m a goner.

18. Amy Winehouse // Frank >> This sultry, sassy and jazzy CD came out last year, but I didn’t get the import until February, so I’m going to count this on my 2005 list. You have to get the Mylo remix of "Pumps" to enjoy the complete experience, but I think Amy will be our generation’s Billie Holiday.

17. Sacha Sacket // Shadowed >> Another disc that was released in another year, but deserves a place on this list if only for the lyrics "Got porn stars on my jock, don’t think i miss you much…"

16. Fiona Apple // Extraordinary Machine >> Challenging, but by the time you make it to the disc’s final track, "Waltz (Better Than Fine), you realize that that could be the perfect description of this recording.

15. Maria Taylor // 11:11 >> Azure Ray never sounded this good. Check out "Leap Year," and "Song Beneath The Song."

14. Kate Bush // Aerial >> Worthy if only for it actually being worth the long wait.

13. Inara George // All Rise >> One of my favorite CD covers of the year. And the music ain’t bad either.

12. Begonias // Caitlin Cary & Thad Cockrell >> An alt-country masterpiece. This is the album we’ve been waiting for since Ryan Adams left Whiskeytown… "Second Option" is worth the price of admission.

11. Casey Stratton // Divide (Limited Edition) >> Two discs of lush, succulent, emotional topography. An artist arrives on his own terms.

10. Ivy // In The Clear >> Any year with new music from Ivy is a good year. This disc is more of a sleeper than previous outings, but once it’s in, you’re hooked. Take a listen to "Four in the Morning," "Tess Don’t Tell," and one of my favorite tracks of the year: "Keep Moving."

9. Tori Amos // The Beekeeper >> This CD boasted some of the worst cover art in recent memory, but heralded a return to more traditional song form for one of my favorite singer/songwriters ever. For the first time in a while, I felt like the sonic noodling and experimentation took a backseat to the actual writing of songs. There was more structure, more straightforwardness, more heart, more fun, more *Tori* than we’ve had since "Boys for Pele." "Jamaica Inn," "The Power of Orange Knickers,"  and "Sleeps with Butterflies," lodged themselves so deeply into my life this year, it’s like they were little guideposts…and "Cars & Guitars" has to be my favorite singalong of the year.

8. Missy Higgins // The Sound of White >> My music biz friend Stacey told me I would love this artist and this CD and she was right. While Missy was a little frosty when we met in person at an in-store performance, she had the chops and was funny and I still loved her songs. Try "Unbroken," "Scar," and the ultimate I-can’t-break-up-with-you-even-though-we-both-know-we-should song "Ten Days."

7. Feist // Let It Die >> This made my Top 10 list last year for David Magazine, but since it was released domestically this year — and because I love it soooo much — I had to include it again. "One Evening," "Gatekeeper," "Mushaboom," and a masterful retooling of the BeeGees’ "Inside and Out," make this CD essential.

6. The Fray // How To Save A Life >> Great lyrics, melodies and energy. I don’t know exactly why, but I was hooked from the first note and I love every song. The fact that I discovered this CD only last week and it’s this far down (up?) my list should tell you something.

5. Tristan Prettyman // Twenty-three >> I saw Tristan a few years back at the Roxy on a bill with Matt Nathanson and this guy named Jason Mraz. Mraz sucked, but I never forgot the wee one who came out first with her little guitar and captured my attention. A few years later — this year, to be exact — she dropped her major label debut and blew me away. If any one track would define my year, besides "Sleeps With Butterflies," it would be "Electric."

4. Laura Veirs // Year of Meteors >> Out of nowhere, this amazing CD slammed into my world this year. A stunning indie-pop masterpiece that barely left my CD player…I love all the songs, but "Gravity," "Secret Someones," and "Cool Water" deserve extra special attention. As an added treat, my friend Joe Rathbone wrote a song this year that has a line that references me (tangentially) in one line and Laura in another. Cool, especially since he had no idea I was loving her CD at that moment in time when he wrote his song. The universe is freaky, man.

3. Imogen Heap // Speak For Yourself >> I’ll admit I think Immy is a cool chick so I am a bit biased, but I love this CD. I love her voice and the way she puts words together. I even let myself suffer through NOT buying the import and waited with bated breath for the domestic release. The singles are all good, but the rest have been the soundtrack to some pretty good moments in 2005. If anyone thought she was riding on the coattails of Guy S. in Frou Frou, she pretty much blows all that away with "Speak For Yourself." "Hide and Seek," "I Am In Love With You," and "Loose Ends" meld a lyrical kung-fu mind with an unpredictable and complicated heart. Bliss. Coo. Sigh. Splat.

2. Gemma Hayes // The Roads Don’t Love You >> This selection is no surprise to readers of this blog… I heart Gemma Hayes. A shot to the soul for me on every level of my psyche, this CD made my musical year. If I must pick favorites, they would be "Nothing Can," "Another One For The Darkness," and "Keep Me Here," and "Two Step," for the amazing bridge. (I wait a minute more, cuz you almost said it out, so I’ll wait a minute more, cuz you almost said, say it to me now: Stop chasing every little thing that sparks.) I must admit, until two seconds ago, I thought this would be my number one album. But then I remembered Gemma’s touring buddies, Athlete, and the delicious pain of being unexpectedly shattered by a sophmore album of spawling, sparkling brit-rock that shouldn’t have been as good as it turned out to be.

1. Athlete // Tourist >> After their amazing live show, I’m at a loss for words at how to describe this record. So many great moments of the year were tied to this amazing work of art, I feel like it was the soundtrack to my life this year. From the opening notes of "Chances," to the playful muscle of "Yesterday Threw Everything At Me," to the audacity of choosing "Wires" as the first single, to every note and gut-wrenching line of "24 Hours," and every second of beautiful music in between, this album is unforgettable and shockingly good.

a triangle tried to squeeze through a circle

Well my show is tonight and if everyone comes who says they are coming, it should be a packed house. I’m trying to stave off the nerves….I’m holding fast to the title of my first blog "when pianos try to be guitars" — a line that comes from one of my fave tori tracks, "Northern Lad."

He don’t show much these days / It gets so f*cking cold
I loved his secret places / But I can’t go anymore
You change like sugar cane / Says my northern lad
I guess you go too far / When pianos try to be guitars

Reminds me of JC, who came through in the end, with a beautiful card and champagne. i hope he knows that i appreciate it muchly…..stacey sent cds, too….and some other packages were waiting for me last night when i finally made it home. So much so, the concierge thought it was my birthday. That was cute.  I also ran into a friend of a friend at dinner with MS…and he told me my friend NayNay was coming in from New Orleans and will be at the show.  I’ll be so happy to see him!

there was a review in yesterday’s creative loafing….

i feel all random today but am blown away by the thoughtfulness and kindness of the people in my life.  Everything’s clicking and I can’t wait to read magazines and lollygag in the next coupla weeks.

See you tonight….